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Dec. 12th, 2018

fuck i hate not liking myself. i hate being scared. i don't want to be stressed and sad. i hate this.

rationally i know that ti have good qualities and that i have abilities. but if asked i could not tell you any. or if i could i would not believe it to be really true

i'm sad and angry and for fuck's sake i want to like myself. fucking fuck

Dec. 5th, 2018


Minou let me give her scritches!!! I could pet my baby!!!
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So, my last post was about getting many doggo kisses and being excited about the possibility of kitties.

And in the last two weeks the possibility of kitties turned into the reality of kitties!!!!!
Mascha and Minou (formerly known as Seba and Mimi) went home with me the very next day – the visit was on Thursday and Friday right after work my dad and me went to get them!!

This meant buying two litter boxes on the way back home because I was totally not prepared. I thought I’d have to wait another week or so and have time to buy all the stuff I needed. Nope.

I got food for the first days (Mascha needs special food), brushes, two toys, and even got to keep the transport boxes (obvs they were very very happy that these girls got a new home J)

In the beginning I was totally overwhelmed – and of course my mood had a little downward spiral, because why should I just be happy about something when I can start doubting myself instead? Fuck you, brain!
But! It got better and we’re getting used to each other.

Mascha follows me around and sometimes comes for scritches. When I’m on the sofa she’s usually next to me or sitting on the back of the sofa (the little shit usually climbs up the sides to get there instead of just jumping up). And boy, does this girl purr. She’s massive (aka very overweight, more or less a kitty-ball) and when she sleeps she curls up into the cutest, roundest, squishiest way ever.

Minou is still a scaredy-cat. The first day was the worst, she hid in the corner of my bedroom/under the bed and hissed at everyone from under the furniture. She was obviously very shaken and hateshateshates the transport box. Now she’s okay sitting in the same room with me and when I’m preparing their food she’s slinking around my legs and getting all purry. This weekend she even curled up on my feet to snoozle (okay, as soon as I moved my hand she was gone, but STILL).

They both like to attack my carpets and have discovered that the cat tree is FUN. They’re adorable and awesome and I love them.

But when I need intense and loving snuggles I go and get doggo kisses J

Nov. 20th, 2018

i got so, so many doggo-smooches today! Monty is so cuddly when he's sleepy and ready for bed I'm dying. <3

On Thursday someone from the shelter will stop by to have a look at my appartment (they do that before letting people adopt indoor kitties), and answer questions.
I hope everything goes well :)
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Nov. 11th, 2018

Sooo, unfortunately no Shanti for me :(
They said he bonds too much with his human to be alone during the day, and another cat wouldn't help that much.

But! Yesterday my Mom and I went to the shelter we got Monty from. Just to see if they had a pair of kitties for me. And they do have two pairs of kitties who would be okay being indoor cats. A brother and sister they just got from a hoarder household (they found them after four days hiding uner a bed, the poor babies); and two cats, a little older, who need to be indoor cats because they're both FIV positive.

The first two are still confused and shy. One of the other two is snuggly but shy, the other a little more standoffish. But I seriously consider taking the older ladies home with me


Nov. 7th, 2018

Aaah, I did it, I sent a mail to the shelter! I told them that I'm an untrained human and that Shanti would be alone when I'm at work. And now I'M WAITING.

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Nov. 5th, 2018

so, a local shelter put a really cute adoptable kitty in the newspaper; the kitty is three-legged and because of that it's hard to find a new home for him. And my gut says go get the kitty!!

but my brain says you're not home for most of the day, you need to get two kitties. And there are various adorable kitty pairs up for adoption.

and my mean doubt-brain says maybe you'd be an awful kitty-mom, you never had a kitty, kitty-sitting does not count. and what if the responsibility is too much and you'll get overwhelmed and the kitties will be sad.

and not i'm sad and insecure and still want a kitty :(

Nov. 3rd, 2018

So I went to see Bohemian Rhapsody today and I really really liked it. I have actually no idea how true to the facts it was but Rami Malek was awesome.

And that short scene after Freddis's diagnosis really gutted me. That young guy sitting there, visibly sick and all alone just like so many like him ... fuck

Oct. 31st, 2018

So, this evening there were already two trick or treaters, that's twice as many as last year. Success

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Oct. 27th, 2018

today was nice and a little sleepy.

Now I'll have pizza and watch a true crime show


Oct. 24th, 2018

I'm getting so many impulses and ideas from therapy that I feel a little overwhelmed. lol
but started to try some things out.

self observation: downloaded some apps to help with stopping during the day to analyze and name thoughts/feelings

meditation/self worth: got some audiobooks and apps with meditations/tips for mindfulness

dealing with emotions/anger: starting a diary, trying out some methods to calm me when i get frustrated and angry

It's still unorganized and I'm not sure if trying out more than one app at the same time is helpful or not, but whatever :)

Soo, right now I'm testing


Oct. 23rd, 2018

The last two weeks at work were sucky, every time one of the team is not there it gets really hard to handle the workload. I hate it. meh.

I need to get used to writing stuff down again. For years I used to keep a diary and I will get back into the habit. It's just hard.

Oct. 14th, 2018

So now there's "discourse" about AO3 needing donations? How hard is it to understand that hosting a huge archive costs money?

Honestly, AO3 is a gift and love it so much.
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Oct. 10th, 2018

self care is blocking a whole bunch of radfem swerf aphobes on tumblr <3
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Oct. 7th, 2018

This weekend started so nicely; Friday afternoon I went boudlering with a friend and it was awesome (if exhausting), in the evening I baked Brownies for a friend's birthday on Saturday.

At first I was (once again) reluctant to go at all; being around so many people I don't know didn't sound like much fun. But it was nice actually; she and her boyfriend are musical and there were some performances.
But then my slight headache turned into a migraine and I started to feel sick and I had to leave after only two hours :(
At least I was in bed early, that's something, I guess ...

My head still feels funny today, but that's always the case after migraine.

Bleh. Not how I wanted to spend my weekend.

More amusing: today we had to rub Monty's toes with coconut oil, because he still has itchy feet because of grass mites. And boy, does that dog love coconut oil, it's almost impossible to keep him from licking it off. So he gets to wear cute little baby socks. In red. It looks silly and adorable. :D

Sep. 30th, 2018

I'm sad, my friend had to put her kitty to sleep because his brain tumor came back after a year. He was such a snuggly sweetheart, always lying on top of me in bed when I was kitty sitting. I'll miss him he was a good cat :(

Sep. 26th, 2018

Zorba the Greek ... Am I the only person alive who was not aware that in this movie a woman is murdered because she rejects some fuckboy and he kills himself?

I was never much interested in that movie but a few days ago it was on TV and I thought why not? Now I know. Ugh. That was disgusting

Sep. 16th, 2018

Blanket Box: Books and reading

Modelled after Coyote's (osteophage) Blanket Boxes on other topics!

The theme for this box is, as it says on the tin, books.

> What's a blanket box?

A blanket box is a set of prompts to help you use to build your pillowfort! They all have a theme: in this case, that theme is books! The idea is that you start a post or multiple posts of your own, rather than reply to this one. You can find links to other blanket boxes here.

> The Rules

The first rule is that there are no rules.
Interpret or bend the prompts however you like. If something doesn't work for you, change it.
This blanket box can be answered in one post or in multiple posts, depending upon how you decide to answer the questions.
Optional: link or reblog this post so that more people can use this blanket box
Optional: tag your post or posts "reading blanket box" so that we can browse the tag and see each other's answers!

> The Blankets

A book you've read more than once
Akif Pirinçci: Felidae
I don't know how many times I've read this book. But finding out the author is an asshole kept me from reading it again for years :(

A book you couldn't finish (or finished despite hating)
Uh, I usually finish books, but I was really disappointed in The Child Thief by Brom.
Maybe I expected too much? I loved the premise so very much and ...
The writing is pretty okay, but there were may too many story lines (Avalon, Peter, the Captain, Ulfgar ...), and too many stayed unfinished. What was up with Ulfgar? And the Captian? There just was no real plot, somehow.
And man, the characters!I exprected a delightfully ambiguous or maybe evil Peter and got ... well, dunno.

A book you love despite significant flaws
Dan Simmons: The Abominable
I loved it, somehow even the seemingly neverending details and the glacial speed at which the story progresses. BUT. The denouement fucking sucks :(

A book you didn't love though it was objectively good
John Williams: Stoner
It's captivating and I LOVE the language. But the plot is so devastating and depressing (for me) ... I didn't finish it and won't reread

A book in a genre you don't normally read
Barry Hutchison: Invisible Fiends
Two genres I usually don't read: Horror and children's lit. Amazon tells me it's for 13-16 year olds, but seriously this is fucking creepy. I loved it but it was almost too scary for me >.<

A book from your childhood
Astrid Lindgren: Madita
I've read this so many times, I love Astrid Lindgren <3

A book that you have complicated feelings about
That'd be The Abominable again. I love it, but still ... the denouement (see above) :)

A quote from the last book you read
Right now I'm reading Wolfgang Behringer: Tambora und das Jahr ohne Sommer [Tambora and the year without summer] and the quote would be in German ... eh, anyway, here you go:
"Der Ausbruch des Tambora war der Beginn eines Experiments, an dem die ganze Menschheit unfreiwillig teilgenommen hat"
VERY rough translation: the eruption of Tambora was the beginning of an experiment in which all of humankind unwillingly took part

An author you'd like to meet
No, thank you. I'd rather not :)

A genre you'd like to get into but haven't
I think I've tried everything I'm interested in :)

A book you'd like to read
Too many to count, honestly. But one of them is Koushun Takami: Battle Royale

A book you want to recommend
Walter Moers: The City of Dreaming Books
One of my favorite books. It's so full of amazing ideas and cool characters. It's a book about loving books and will aways have a special place in my heart

Sep. 13th, 2018

in other way more positive news Monty sneaked four kissies during snuggles this evening.

I'm so exhausted and seriously fed up. Work sucks right now, and it's not so much the work but the people. But it's mostly the people, I guess.

Lisa is on (very much deserved) vacation and that means right now we're not only half a person down but one and a half persons. And this week there's twice as much stuff to do and the bosses are collectively losing their shit about every. single. fucking. thing. And it's about bs.

and if it's not bs it's stuff you really should talk and think about and not run around like a headless chicken

honestly, it's like they're toddlers.

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